I won’t drag this out, I’ll just say that tonight feels a lot like the night before you turned one. I remember that feeling because I remember balling my eyes out thinking how no matter how much I begged and prayed, you were turning one and time was moving forward with or without my permission.
(First Day of Preschool. June 2012)
The other day I noticed that you’ve suddenly out grown the princess stage. It was subtle, so much so that I’m just noticing that it’s past now. You’ve stopped playing dress up and you never ask me which is my MOST FAVORITE PRINCESS IN THE WORLD? (formerly your favorite question). You don’t ask to read princess stories, or watch princess movies. You don’t plan out your birthday parties to include them or ask me when we’re going to meet the “real” Cinderella, any longer. I asked you the other night who your most favorite princess was and you said, “I don’t know. Whose yours?” but there was no wild curiosity in your voice. There was no hope that we’d choose the same one. There was no answer given to my question, and it hung in the air between us for a while before it dissolved. Perhaps, of all the signs that you’re growing up, this was the hardest to accept. It marks the end of a piece of you that was innocent and tiny. You really believed in magic spells, fairies, castles, and happily ever after. You wore crowns like other people wear flip flops. You entered rooms with sweeping bows, and fancy greetings. You were this tiny reminder that I had a girly girl and I mistakenly took so much of that phase for granted, because I didn’t realize it was almost over.
I know as you move forward to Kindergarten you will pick up new phases and pieces of your personality. I know that someday soon we’ll be talking about boys that are cute, and teachers that are tough, and real big kid stuff ( that always shapes life stuff). I can no more anticipate your next move, than I can my own. All I know is that you have more self confidence and control than any person I’ve ever met. You think big and speak your mind. You’ve developed compassion and lost some of your self centered nature. You dazzle me. You take my breath away.
When tomorrow comes, and it will come, please know that my tears are full of joy and wonderment. To have my first baby, the baby that taught me how to be a mother, suddenly be big enough to wear a cap and gown and step into big girl hood- well Gracen that’s more of an accomplishment than anything I’ve ever done with my life. It’s a sign that WE made it. WE are graduating babyhood. WE shaped what WE were given. WE are somehow saying you’re a big enough girl to move forward without holding my hand and YOU are somehow answering, you can let go now; I got this.
How did we get here little human? How is it possible that it’s our turn now? I don’t want to let go, but you’re such a strong girl that you’re helping me know it’s time.
( 1st day of preschool 3. Sept. 2014)