Jude is One
My Dearest Baby Boy,
How on Earth could I have let this happen…again. Only a moron would have a second baby thinking that that baby would stay a baby. Silly me.
How can you be one already? I’m not ready- truth be told I will ever be ready. With your sister I accepted it as fate, she’s an old soul, you understand. But you, oh you are SOOOOOOOO good at being a baby. Belly laughs, wide smiles, fat thighs, clapping hands, Da-Da, coy looks, legs that fit the curve of my hips- are you seriously ready to let all that go?
Because here’s the thing little guy, there is no going back. I will never be able to nurse you again. You will have to move out of that high chair you seem to enjoy. That car seat? Gone buddy. You know those looks people give you at Target, where they crank their head to one side, stroke your fat cheek, and tell you how cute you are? Yep that will stop too. When you aren’t baby any more that doesn’t happen. Also peoples expectations change. Did you know that? Oh yes my tiny friend, people are going to expect you to walk and talk and do things. Your sister (your own sister!) will turn on you. Oh sure the baby year was amazeballs but when you turn one suddenly she will see you as an equal and not a baby and then I can’t protect you from her wrath. Don’t you see little man, we have a great thing going. Remember the day I had you, remember how you were so tiny and new and spent your days visiting angels and your nights cuddling with me and Daddy? Remember tasting your first banana or the day you met your sister? Remember how awesome sleeping in a portable car seat was and how we would pass you from one willing set of arms to another? When you’re one all of that, it’s over.
But there is some good news too. You will grow up and everything that is awesome about you as a baby will only be more awesome as you become a boy and later a man. We can still spend EVERY WAKING MOMENT together ( I know!) and you know how you’re so beautiful- you’ll get even more beautiful. And you know how you’re so peaceful? You’ll fill the world ( and not just our home) with peace. And you know how you’re so calm? You’ll help make the world more calm. And you know how you’re just mine, well that will change and that’s actual a check for the cons list but lets not focus on that right now. I’m not much for sharing, and the words your Godmother Nora told me long ago are still very true today, “you have the first one for the world, and the second one for you.” And if I dwell on that very true fact I will feel the loss of our special time and I’m trying my best to focus on the gain. But you must help me.
If I could I would pause time and keep you my tiny meatball boy forever (this of course would also stop me from aging)- but the world just wasn’t designed with that concept in mind. For some awful reason the good Lord deems it necessary for time to move forward, and while it may be true that he makes no mistakes ( I mean he created you and Gracie too) I do believe that he should re-visit this whole baby model he’s created. I’m sure that there a re a million and five awesome things about you growing up and to be honest I don’t give a hoot about even one of them. I like who you are right now, in this moment, forever. I’m grateful I was here for every minute of it. I’m grateful God sent me you. I’m grateful that the last 365 days will never ever be taken away from me. And most of all I’m grateful that it was you who just one year ago I couldn’t wait to get in my arms.
You will turn one tomorrow. I can not stop time. I can complain every single step of the way- and believe me sweet boy I will. There will never be another baby quite like you Saint. You are a special, delightful, beautiful, perfect boy and
I love you more than the words they gave us to express love, can ever express.
One year ago my heart doubled and my world became more peaceful and full. When I think of you as a baby I can’t picture it, but I’ll always feel it deep in my soul. It’s sort of the way you know the ocean is awesome, but then you are at the ocean and feel it on your feet and see it with your eyes, and it’s more amazing then you remembered it. Like a hug, you’re always familiar in my heart.
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