I Hate This Part
“The world slows down/
but my heart beats fast right now/
I know this is the part where the end starts/
I hate this part right here.”
Tomorrow this little lady starts nursery school.
As I warned you a few weeks ago, the tears have already started. Never mind that she was so difficult last week I almost called to see if they could take her early. That horrible day is now a distant memory as my
sweet little angel sleeps peacefully in her bed.
I sat with new baby at 4:30 this morning pouring through film clips of Sunshine at 6 months old, at 1 years old, at 2…. It’s true what they say, it goes fast. I know she will be so happy to finally take her backpack and lunch box somewhere special tomorrow. She’ll meet her new teacher, she’ll make new friends, she will have a big life outside of me, but it’s the end of an era of sorts. That time when I was all the playmate she needed, passed a long time ago, and yet I still can’t seem to wrap my mind around life two days a week where she is somewhere where I will not know everything she did, ate, or thought. I spent hours at the grocery store yesterday trying to find the right combination of first day of school food- which as it turns out is highly processed cheese snacks and soy butter.
There I am in the aisles of Stop & Shop trying not to fast forward past Tuesday to her High School Graduation and they day we drop her off at Harvard- don’t judge me, it was a daydream, for the record Rutgers is great too and way more affordable. But for now she is 2 and headed to nursery school where I won’t be there to make sure that she is sharing and taking turns or to defend her when she gets pushed. Possibly the worst part (in my mind) is this overwhelming fear that her feelings will get hurt by another child. She jumps right in, never waits to be invited, and I LOVE that about her. But what if other kids don’t? What if they tell her she’s a baby because she has to sleep with her lovie, Pizza? Or what if they don’t think her imaginary friend Emme is cool? Or what if she spends the whole day only playing with Emme? How do I protect her heart?
I know I have to pull myself together, which is why today I am taking a road trip back to Brooklyn. It’s our last day together ( in this reality) and we’re going to spend it like we always do- at the park, in the sprinklers, with kids I know she loves and love her. I’m going to remind her that she’s the coolest kid that God ever made and that no matter what happens tomorrow… homeschooling is always an option.
You slay me! You are so blessed to have spent the first two years of her life with her. If I could only have had that opportunity with you!, believe me every stage of her life will be a beautiful experience up until she has her own child. I can attest to that. God bless.